I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z