Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh