I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.