me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?