You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh