“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.