Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My wife gives the best headache.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Oh thanks BBC.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.