Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.