That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
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Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Whoa 😂
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died