Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.