When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.