Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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#FireSomeonePolitely
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
your elf on the shelf was delicious