Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
You Might Also Like
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.