I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.