HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Breaking news:
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online