I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
SCARY COSTUME
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
crying
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.