“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head