In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?