what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The honesty is refreshing
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*skinny dips into black hole
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge