My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too