I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
an octopus is just a wet spider
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.