🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Previously On Persistence 😎
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Remember folks 😂
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.