*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.