Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
accurate
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness