interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut