A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Reporter: *ports again*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job