My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.