My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black