Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!