“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?