Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
How wrong was this guy?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy