Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
tinder is all about the long game
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.