How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?