i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me irl
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
absolute chaos
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain