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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”