Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
What an awful time to have common sense.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
This is my bus stop.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us