You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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There are no pants in heaven.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
How to wake up a Beagle
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.