Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.