When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You Might Also Like
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.