Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.