I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?