HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?