Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.