“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
You Might Also Like
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
January has been Januweary
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
What a website
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week