Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Spell check is for lasers.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex