Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
No way!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf