As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.