SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
(Gaming support cat.)
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed