Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Meeeee too!
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
yeet
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Ain’t no way
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.