My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row